Dear Moonscribers,
According to Andy Fisher, one definition of ecopsychology is:
...an effort to understand the social links between...two areas of violence, between the violation we recognize as the ecological crisis and the violation we recognize in human suffering.
I spend quite a lot of time in this letter looking at what we call 'nature' and how we can connect to it. But there's another side, or aspect, to ecopsychology that spends time looking at humans, alone.
While the area of naturalistic psychology shows us that our natural development as human beings should involve a relationship with 'nature', it also has something to say about how we treat each other.
In discussing spiritual life, Andy writes about three aspects, but I just want to mention the last one:
[S]piritual life is the development of our capacity to love. As Fromm wrote: "The awareness of human separation, without reunion by love–is the source of shame. It is at the same time the source of guilt and anxiety. The deepest need of man [sic], then, is to overcome his separateness, to leave the prison of his aloneness." To be loved is to have our being affirmed, to feel connected to and embraced by others; love is thus the source of our ontological security, of feeling grounded in our own being. To love others is to identify their interests with our own, while nonetheless maintaining our distance from them, so that they (and we) may unfold their own particular natures, or be.
I think this is saying that a lot of our feelings of shame, guilt and anxiety stem from our not being really and truly loved... especially when we were young(er). If you feel rejected, you feel like there is something wrong with you and you feel ashamed of yourself. If you feel rejected, you feel like you've done something wrong and feel guilty. If you feel rejected, you feel alone, lost, and vulnerable, and this can make you feel anxious and insecure.
From the very beginning, we expect those closest to us to protect us and love us. If this doesn't happen to the extent that we expect, it can set us up for a lifetime of these disturbing feelings. And then, as we meet more and more people throughout our lives, and feel rejected by some of them, this reinforces our initial feelings...
No one has the perfect childhood. So it's to be expected that we carry with us some of these feelings of shame, guilt and anxiety. And when I say "we", I do mean we! I emphasize that because I'm not saying you should go around demanding to be loved and affirmed by others but instead see that Andy's antidote is to really love and affirm each other. Doing so is a huge gift to the other person. Really loving and affirming who they are can alleviate these feelings of shame, guilt, anxiety, and loneliness. What a fantastic gift to give!!
Once people feel safe and loved, they are more apt to go out and spread those good feelings to others, including the living beings we share this planet with...
On Wednesday, I attended a local 'storymaking' workshop, with the theme 'loss and bereavement'. It seemed an apt topic, given the tsunami tragedies. But in the space provided for reflection and creativity, I found myself drawn to a particular part of a children's book called Michael Rosen's Sad Book.
As a way of lifting his spirits, Michael thinks about birthdays. Celebrating people's lives with birthday parties and the like. For some reason, that really stuck with me and I started thinking about how someone's birthday is a really important day: it's that person's only day of the year where it's about how great s/he is. Or should be.
And I started thinking about ways that maybe I could celebrate people's birthdays more meaningfully... So I started a special journal just for this purpose. And hopefully it can serve as one contribution I make to really loving and affirming someone. And now I offer you this idea as part of your re-connecting tip below.
*****
The Reconnecting Tip: The Birthday Journal
In my head, I have a general sense of whose birthdays I remember each year. Now, every time one of them says or does something I appreciate, I jot it down in this one journal. So one page on the journal could look like this:
Kirsty: remembering what the children say
Grandma: writing a poem everyday
Nicole: sharing pictures of Xander
I keep this going, and when there's a new month, I just headline that and continue. Then, when it's someone's birthday, I will go back a year in the journal and start writing a letter to that person based on what I've said throughout the year about that person. This way, they'll know I've been thinking of them all year and took the time to remember what I appreciate about them.
(And I guess for my mom, Kirsty, and Nicole, they won't be surprised, now, when they receive a letter such as this later this year!!!)
So maybe you'd like to try that. Or maybe just think of whose birthday is coming up next and start to make a list of everything you appreciate about her/him. And tell her/him.
Of course, if you have a friend or family member that seems particularly down, perhaps they could use a reminder of how you feel sooner rather than later...
*****
As always, if something in this MoonLetter gave you an idea for a moonster, for you or someone else, let me know!
peace&love
heather of millstream-river severn-bristol channel-atlantic ocean
My Moonster
...uncover your connection to Nature's rhythms...
www.mymoonster.com
Yes I think that Birth Days are rather special days and opportunities. Each Birth Day is the culmination of a years life completed and that is certainly something to mark and be thankful for if the year has been shared with someone who one counts as special - which means most life I come into contact with so finding new ways to acknowledge this to each life be thay in close proximity or miles apart is good so thanks for the idea.
Celebration, thanks and love should of course not be just kept for one day so spreading it out through the year has always seemed a good idea to me as well as finding new ways to mark THE special day.
I know I love getting envelopes through the post, there is still something rather special about paper and stamp so one of the things I have done for someones birthday has been to translate my enjoyment into writing birthday greetings that spread through a whole year. On the persons Birth Day a gift was passed over but I also sat down and wrote on the back of twelve blank postcards what is special about them for me, what they inspire me to do, how their thoughtfulness touches me, what positives I see them ading to my life and the world etc. Three weeks later I picked one of the postcards and added a 'prayer', 'thought candle', 'word posey' dated it and then decorated the front of the postcard with a sketch, doodle, collage/montage then put it in the post in one of the twelve envelopes I had already addressed and stamped on their birthday. This meant each month that person got a small reminder of why they were worthy of celebration, love and thanks for being in the world and each month I spent a moment thinking about them especially.
Posted by: Daisy-Winifred | 10 January 2005 at 11:48
Hmm, that's a great idea!
At school I have a daily helper, and part of the day's routine used to be to have the class think of three nice things to day about today's helper. Then the helper has to think of something he/she is good at.
That might be a good thing to restart, but in a birthday tradition.
Posted by: Kirsty | 11 January 2005 at 19:24
Great ideas! I'll have to give those some thought to incorporate them into my new routine... :) Thank you for sharing them!
Posted by: Heather | 11 January 2005 at 20:55