Patience and Joy

I am now 26 weeks pregnant and have never been happier in my life. I think I write so little because I'm so busy just being with this baby, my partner, the whole joy of pregnancy. Those feel-good hormones really do kick in for the second trimester and it must be Nature's way of giving your baby the very best start possible. I love the kicking... The full-on contradiction of all of the in-my-headness that has plagued me since as long as I can remember. I'm up there, thinking, thinking, then all of a sudden: whack! "Oh hello, down there, Little-Human-Being!"

I wasn't raised to be a Nature child/adult and so I don't really have a cultural sense of Nature and cycles and... patience. Patience. Normally if I want something, I can get it quite quickly. I'm annoyed if a book I've ordered takes longer than a few days to arrive. I don't plan big trips so don't have months, or years even, to count down to something huge. So this whole making baby/waiting for birth thing is alien. I wasn't even a gardener, so didn't have to wait for asparagus!

The four months of trying for a baby seemed like four years; I couldn't imagine trying for years unsuccessfully. And then when it did happen... waiting eight months... And as we aren't finding out the gender, well, it can be rather excruciating. Especially knowing we could give in and go find out next week!

But now: this is my big Nature lesson and I'm going to wait it out... Oh, but is it a boy or a girl?? Despite what I said in my gender post, there does seem to be some kind of importance around knowing which it is, maybe it's just so that I can call the baby by its name and not keep saying "he or she" or "it". I don't know.

We've been watching loads of Home Birth DVDs and I'm just in tears every time that little baby slips out. A new life! Such innocence, such potential to be a healthy human being! To flourish: really flourish!! I am desperately excited. And this is a huge contradiction to the hopelessness and despair I have felt as an environmental/peak oil activist. (Am I in denial? No: I'm still working hard on an allotments campaign and still an activist... but as long as I'm still working my arse off, I don't see the point of the despair and hopelessness... It's a total joy to be working on such important things with such amazing and caring people...)

But my impatient self rears itself enough so that I know that I need to change the due date in my head from my birthday (October 17th, the official due date) to the far end of possibility: November 7th. I do not want to start getting antsy on October 18th. Seen enough DVDs of mothers who have done this and it looks horrible. No: this baby is already smart enough to know when it's ready to survive outside the world, with just the skin and love of parents and the breasts full of milk. Trust. Patience. Going with Nature. With the Flow...

Comments

[harriet wood]

Hi Heather,
yes kicking is lovely, I remember how internalised I felt.

How about a gender neutral name? Trouble is there aren't that many

[heather]

Yes, I did try to think of some that I liked, but couldn't find any... :(

I just was thinking how great it would be if someone came up to me and couldn't tell the gender by the colour (as there will be no pinks and blues!) and then if I gave them the name, they'd STILL be clueless! Then I imagined when they asked if it was a boy or a girl, I'd say I can't remember and watch them get very uncomfortable. I'm also sure (and I think studies have shown) that we said boy sometimes and girl sometimes, the responses would be quite different. "Oh, aren't you pretty??" or "You're so handsome and strong!" Yeah, I'm so tempted... I might still do that... :)

(And the names we've chosen, it'd be easy enough to shorten them just for the experiment so that people can't tell.)

Wicked thoughts. ;)

[Amy Lenzo]

Heather,

I'm imagining you right now, these few weeks later, and wondering how you're doing...

Looking forward to hearing stories of your little male or female beauty, and how s/he is growing, right along with you.

Thanks for sharing a bit of your journey with us.

[Daisy-Winifred]

I trust that the growing and becoming have continued. That you are still well, in the moment and thankful for gifts in many guises. As 'the day' must be soon or has been I wish you all gentle journey and safe arrival at whatever destination is meant to be yours. May the sun rise always bring you joy and the day sheer moments of happiness within a life lived thoughtfully but lived:0)