gender bias

"So, do you know if you're having a boy or a girl?"

"Do you have a preference: boy or a girl?"

These are common questions asked of parents-to-be, as you all probably know...

Our answers: We won't know until the baby slithers out. And we have no preference. These are probably answers you would expect from me... given my ecopsychology leanings... but they always make me think a bit more deeply.

We aren't having any scans, so won't have the opportunity to know the gender... Why no scans? Pema Chodron wrote a book entitled Comfortable with Uncertainty. And that's how we're trying to be: comfortable with uncertainty. There are so many areas in our lives that are uncertain, and so many people rush to feel secure (buying this or that) because they never established a basic level of security as babies... We're no different. But we desperately want to be. We want to be okay with not knowing if I'll have a job in August (when my contract is renewed). Not knowing when (if?) the economy will finally collapse. Not knowing when the best time would be to put up the yurt. And with Nature herself... Oh, the mysteries! Isn't it enough to just marvel that the caterpillar turns into a moth... with an intermediate stage of prehistoric slime in the cocoon? For some, yes. Why ask why? Sometimes just basking in the mystery is so good.

That isn't to say there isn't a time and a place for Whys. As in the case with sustainability, we need to know why things are going badly in so many areas so that we can ease ourselves back into the flow of things... But once you're in the flow... Why not?

So that's our feeling about scans. Why not just let the development, the gender, the everything about the baby be known at the "natural" time? Of course, I realize that medical technology allows for the saving of lives. And if my independent midwife were to tell me she is very worried about something and suggests I have a scan, I would respect that. We have specifically chosen our midwife based on her philosophy of non-intervention, so a recommendation for such would be taken seriously.

Now onto the gender preference. This is so huge: I'll never do it justice here. But let's try.

If you imagine an indigenous society with defined gender roles, you can expect there to be a preference. "We need more hunters." "We need more women for the men to procreate." Etc. You can imagine that.

In our society, you can imagine preferences too: "I want a boy so he'll grow up to be a great football player." "I want a boy so I can teach him how to fish." "I want a girl so I can dress her up in cute dresses."  It's generally assumed that men want boys and women want girls. The man wants to be a role model to the boy; the woman a role model to the girl. Or that men want girls so they can have a "daddy's little girl" or a woman wants a "mama's boy"... (Okay, maybe our society wouldn't say the latter!) The parents-to-be could want a boy to carry on the family name.

These are so culturally defined. Girls don't grow up to be great (read: famous) football players. Girls don't fish. Boys don't wear dresses and girls do. Boys pass on the family (read: father's) surname and girls don't.

So if you don't want your child to be culturally defined, which do you prefer? My partner has suggested that perhaps life would be easier for a girl than a boy if we planned to raise the child to be emotionally intelligent. This could be an issue, especially in school. But we see schools as essentially conformist and culturally socializing... is a school a good place for a child? How many mixed gender groups do you see hanging out together at recess? Going home to play together or do homework together?

No, we want to stay away from that... So do we have a preference?

Maybe we have issues from our own childhoods... There could be something around Mother-Daughter, Father-Son, Mother-Son, Father-Daughter relationships that pull us toward one or the other. Will I repeat the patterns my mother used with me, etc? So there could be something there... Fear of repeating history.

But what if you agree that the same issues are there for the two of you, either way? Is there a preference as a couple?

Let's assume no, which is the case for us. So, we're all set then, right?

If only. Unfortunately, even without a preference, I can imagine myself treating a baby differently, depending on the gender. I can't imagine the specifics here, but it just feels dangerous, like a subtle, slippery thing I could fall into. Maybe being more gentle with a girl. Maybe using a higher voice with a girl. And as they get older... saying things like, "Maybe you'll be like your dad and love such and such..." to a boy, but not to a girl. (I can't actually imagine saying "Maybe you'll be like me and..." to a girl, period. Strange.)

Will I be more sensitive to a girl's body as it grows into a woman than I am to a boy's body becoming a man? I spent quite a few years with feminist spirituality, so will I introduce a boy to that? Or will I decide it's not earth-based enough for either gender (or even for me anymore)? I feel like I do lean more towards celebrating the female body than I do the male body, but is this because I'm redressing a balance or because there are more mysteries there or...? When, really, the human body is amazing in all of its manifestations. Can I put that across?

One thing I do know for sure: This baby will love to dance and love to cycle (or, should I say, either gender will be equally exposed to both and encouraged to live them fully, seeing joyful role models to both).

Oh the journey... As the prolific Anonymous once said, "Raising a child is like reading a very long mystery story; you have to wait a generation to see how it turns out."

Becoming more comfortable with uncertainty,
earth mama of 19-week old fetus

Comments

[Kirsty]

"is a school a good place for a child? How many mixed gender groups do you see hanging out together at recess? Going home to play together or do homework together?"

I think it does depend how you raise the child before 'it' gets to school. I have 2 girls in my class who are football crazy and one of them just had a birthday and told me her favourite present was a remote control car. Both of these girls' best friends are boys. Both of them have an older brother.

I have another boy whose favourite colour is pink and loves dressing up in dresses. he has an older sister. He and the other children know this is 'unusual' for a boy, but they accept it and respect his choice.

I like to think I promote gender equality in my class, although I do think the girls get more 'empowerment' messages than the boys do. But then I think it is harder for girls to be accepted by boys / men.

I seem to remember seeing something on TV years ago about how a baby girl was dressed up in blue and given to a child-minder, who assumed it was a boy and treated it differently to the same baby dressed in pink. They were more rough-and-tumble with the 'boy' and talked more to the 'girl'.

I do think school is the best place for a child, but it does depend on the school and the other children your child will end up being in the same class with for seven years.

Are you watching Child of Our Time on BBC1? If you haven't, watch it on the BBC iPlayer - it's really interesting. This week they showed one parent who still gets her 7yo boy dressed in the morning, and another 7yo girl who dresses herself and gets her own breakfast.
That's something else I believe in very strongly, giving children independence and not wrapping them in cotton wool!

[heather]

I would certainly trust YOU as the teacher, Kirsty! :)

But I do worry about those children you cite as they get older and go to schools/classes where there is more peer pressure.

We supposedly have very good schools around here, but I do see a lot of gender bias, a lot of young teenage women overly interested in "girly" things that I think are unhealthy (make up, clothes) and, of course, I won't even get into (here) the whole consumerist thing that schools push. (Actually, I did just write a big thing about it but decided it should be under a homeschooling post instead, so am saving that!)

I certainly agree with independence for children, but I see so much peer pressure! :(

[Kirsty]

What do you mean about a consumerist thing that schools push?

I might have said this to you before, but I find that the kids in my class don't know how to look after the things they've got - and the things the school/class has got. So many things have been broken or damaged this year because of their carelessness. I think this is because they have so much stuff at home that it doesn't matter if something gets broken, they either throw it away and play with something else from their vast collection of (plastic) toys - or it gets replaced.

Example: child in my class breaks the strap on her shoe. It could have been mended, but parents go out and buy her new shoes. This same child also has *three* pairs of spectacles. Unbelievable.

So my view is that the parents are pushing the consumerist attitude.

But I agree with you about the peer pressure.

[heather]

Yes, I definitely meant the school environment (i.e., peer pressure) rather than schools themselves. Although, and I promise to go into consumerism in the homeschool post, at least in the U.S., there is a lot of product sponsorship in schools, even in the textbooks! :(

[Janice]

A really interesting discussion! I'm fairly new here as you probably gathered, but I'm getting hooked!

A couple of things stand out for me.

Heather, in a way I'm hoping you have a boy :) I think its so important for society to be filled with more and more EI males!

Kirsty, regarding the 'empowerment' messages. It makes me a bit sad that in general boys are not being empowered to be confident enough to be emotionally intelligent. We're trying to undo all the harm done to girls, and rightly so. I hope we don't neglect the boys at the same time, leaving them to fend for themselves when it comes to standing up to peer pressure etc.

Can you tell I have 2 sons :)

[heather]

Well, Janice.. I hope you stick around as, especially if I have a boy, you'll be able to offer some much needed advice! :)

(You will either way, of course.)

[Janice]

I think my biggest piece of advice for a new parent would be trust yourself to make the best choices! Its so easy to get caught up in the latest trends or current advice from professionals and other parents. We all need to find our own parenting style and trust our instincts (myself included!).

But of course I'd be happy to offer my opinion, especially where raising boys is concerned.

[Harriet]

Back in the seventies I think it was easier to mother girls, because it was clearly being positive to empower them. I think now it is harder because of relentless sexed consumerism. Easier to buy a boy something that isn't a killing game than buy a girl something that isn't pink

Best of luck you lovely next generation!

[heather]

Well, Harriet, as it's a GIRL: good luck to me and my daughter, eh? I really hope she doesn't like pink. :)