i want to have a baby

I wanted six children to match the six favourite names I had chosen: three girls and three boys. I imagined them as adults with interesting personalities and careers.

Then...

I wanted a daughter named Helen and I always used to imagine walking with her, hand in hand, down Solano Ave. on my way into uni.

Then...

I was a nanny for six-month old twins and, although I loved Asa and Noah, I felt desperately bored. I said I would never have children.

Then...

(two months later) I accidentally became pregnant. After a few hours of panic, I was ecstatic.

Then...

(three months later) Miscarriage. Thomas Christopher. And I was devastated.

Then...

(eight years later) I thought we'd implicitly decided to have a baby. We took a risk. I was late. We waited five minutes for the results. No. No baby. And we were both very disappointed.

Then...

As the months and years wore on, I read about all the babies and children orphaned by AIDS in Africa.

I read about all the children in foster care here in our own country.

I decided it was unethical to have children when so many children were in need of loving families.

Then...

I learned about climate change and peak oil and realized that there was another good reason not to have children: our planet is too crowded... not enough resources for everybody. We mustn't exacerbate the problem, especially when so many children are in need of homes as it is.

Then...

I turned 36 and she said, "Oh go on: have just one."

Then...

I started thinking. Thinking but mostly feeling. But then thinking again.

I was in no position to adopt. We were seeking out an intentional community or ecovillage. He was planning on volunteering on permaculture farms and busily skilling up. I was working part-time and living in a one-bedroom cottage. And I had CFS-ME.

We couldn't adopt or even foster. Little income, not much stability, not enough space. Fine if it's on your own terms, but not fine if a "conventional" home is required by an official agency.

Tick tock. Tick tock.

I would adopt the children if I could.

Okay. Fine, but what about overpopulation and lack of resources?

Yes. Those things.

This is very hard to write without sounding extremely arrogant and naive...

Yes, our child will be different. We will do things differently. We have read Nature and Madness and Magical Child.

Which means:

Our child's footprint will be tiny. :)
He* will feed from my breast until he's ready to feed from our garden.
His clothes, when necessary, will be second hand.
Nature will provide the toys.
He will not leave my side for the first two years...
He will grow up understanding and appreciating Nature, the role of humans in the ecosystem...

He will be raised to believe he is good, that everyone is good, but that some people had bad things happen to them which make them unhappy and cause suffering to those around them and to the ecosystem.

In other words, he will have a loving grasp of ecopsychology.

This, along with several other factors discussed in the above books and to be discussed in subsequent posts, should provide a firm foundation for a happy, flexibly intelligent, adaptive adult that will have the skills and temperament necessary for our changing world. He will be an asset to his generation and those he is supporting. He will not be a "consumer"...

In other words, he will be part of the solution and not part of the problem.

These blog entries will chronicle the ride, the issues, the sorting, the problems, the surprises and maybe the heartaches too. But, above all, I promise it'll be honest.

...I've left out much of the thinking and decision making and the conditions that we'd set before conception... but there isn't much space at this point. And that will be the function of these blog entries... Living sustainably, lovingly, happily... and with baby. :)

*I am not using "he" as any easy generic way to refer to the baby. For some reason, (and hopefully the blog will eventually reveal whether this is right or wrong), I feel that the baby will be a boy. In the past, I've thought I would have a girl. But now, with this particular partner, somehow I sense a boy.

*****

Reading Magical Child by Pearce makes me feel ill. We mess up things so badly just with the birth and the treatment of the newborn. I don't feel like writing a long essay about it but here are the practical tips I've been picking up and plan to adhere to:

• Home birth
• Will squat
• Baby goes directly to the breast
• Umbilical cord only cut after five minutes AND when it no longer appears to be active. (This will eliminate the need for beating the sh*t out of the baby to make it start breathing.)
• I will eat the placenta. Nutritious! :)
• I will keep the baby in a sling next to my bare breast. This (along with various of the above) should help create the bonding that will mean I will sense when the baby needs to pee or poop.
• I will stroke and touch and caress the baby often

There are so many reasons WHY to do the above. Read the book to find out. But basically it has to do with bonding but also with intelligence and learning.

Oh gosh: am really really hoping we can do the "sense the loo needs" thing: imagine the (energy, time and planet) savings on washing nappies!! [Note to Americans: nappies=diapers]

*****

The above was written in May 2007. We conceived in January 2008 and are due on my birthday in October... I still struggle with the overpopulation issue but somehow I just need to feel, responsibly, this huge human experience in its entirety. But I know that this responsibility is also huge and I'm not taking it lightly. I promise. Hence, by reporting on this blog, maybe there will be some accountability! :)

Comments

[Ann Jarnet]

You have made this into the most exciting pregnancy to follow, to accompany... thank you for sharing something so intimate.

[heather]

Thank you, Ann... It means so much to me to have people interested in following the progress... :)

[Harriet]

yes it's a big scary wonderful thing to do.
good thoughts and wishes. My child was born on my birthday (nearly 36 years ago now :-)

[Amy Lenzo]

O Heather. Congratulations! I am so excited for you, and so happy you're sharing your process with us here. Thank you for this gift.

I cracked up at your "I will eat the placenta" comment. :-) I know that to many in our modern culture it seems a little squeamy, but in older wiser cultures it was a common practice and there are good reasons why.

Actually, I've tasted placenta myself (back when I was a hippie :-) and my best friend gave birth to the first child on the commune). We seared it with softened onions and it was delicious, like very very tender liver.

[heather]

Thank you, Amy! And thank you for admitting to having tasted placenta! They do say it's just what a mom needs... My partner is willing to cook it. :)

[Amy Lenzo]

Heck yes! I'm not just admitting it, I'm proud of it. :-)

Of course after I wrote the comment, I couldn't help but wonder what our vegetarian friends would be thinking... :-)

[Cameo Victor]

Amy, dear sweet delicious earthmama, I'm so happy to hear your news! What a lucky child to be born into your arms, and lucky for the world to have a person raised up with your consciousness and loving nature! The entire planet will benefit!!! Something like the butterfly's wings creating a movement of fair wind that is felt around the globe.
Love, Cameo